Damsel Thorne & Captain Cress
by lovelunarchron
Summary: AU where everything is the same but Thorne is the satellite-shackled shell and Cress the wanted American Republic fugitive. They retain their canon personalities. See warnings inside. TWO-SHOT.
1. Chapter 1

**Prompt:** " _AU where everything is the same but Thorne is a satellite-shackled shell and Cress is an American fugitive on-the-run wanted criminal. They are the same personality-wise. [...] Damsel-in-distress!Thorne. Captain!Crescent. That will be all."_

* * *

 **Disclaimers:** _Plot belongs to Marissa Meyer. Likeness to canon is intentional and for effect. Yes, the title is lame.  
_

* * *

 **Warning:** _Think about a trapped, repressed teenage boy with only access to the net. He then meets a beautiful girl. He has Thorne's personality. Read at your own risk._

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 **Damsel!Thorne & Captain!Cress**

 ** _by lovelunarchron_**

Cress Darnel was lying sprawled on her back, one arm supporting her head and the other the portscreen, when she heard a loud clang above her cell. She peered up, uninterested, and dropped her head down again. The images of nature on the screensaver of the portscreen were far more fascinating than anything that ever happened in New Beijing Prison.

The guard on duty had taken pity on her a few weeks before, telling her she looked "as cute as a button" and "could surely use some entertainment." Cress had wanted to retort and tell the older woman that—despite her height and petite frame—at twenty years old, it was insulting to be called _cute as a button_ , and that something like that could be bad for her reputation. Her fans called her daring and brave—heroic even.

Not exactly descriptions that were associated with cuteness or buttons.

But before she could say anything, the guard had handed her the portscreen and Cress had happily accepted it. It had been stripped of net access, and, as far as Cress could figure out, access to pretty much anything. She was rather incompetent at technology, so in the end she'd settled for watching the screensaver images fade in and out. The mountains, lakes, and forests reminded her of all the adventures she'd been on since she'd taken off in the Rampion to find said adventures and help people in need along the way.

The noise above her cell intensified and Cress finally sat up to get a better look. Before she could blink, a tile from the ceiling loosened and fell on the ground. A girl— a cyborg—in a jumpsuit fell to the floor. Cress flinched back against the wall. She hadn't seen anyone besides the guards since she'd been put in solitary confinement.

The girl looked highly discouraged and mumbled something about being one cell off, so Cress gave her a weak smile. The girl frowned, though. "Murder?"

"W-what?"

"Did you commit murder?"

Cress's eyes widened. "Stars, no! Never! I'm a fugitive of the American Republic. And a thief, if we're being technical."

"Technical?"

"I only steal to help people."

The girl smacked her head with her hand as if she had water in her eardrums, then squinted at Cress. She nodded once, but then frowned again. "But you stole a spaceship once."

Cress brightened immediately at the thought of her ship. "Everyone needs a vessel for good. And it's a _Rampion_. Do you know what the word Rampion means? It's a type of plant, just like my name. Cress. It was meant to be." She paused. "Wait, how'd you know I stole that ship? Do you recognize me?"

The girl shook her head. "I have a portscreen in my head. Speaking of...can I use the one lying on your bed? I need to replace a wire in my brain."

Intrigued, Cress handed her the portscreen.

"It's, um, nice to meet you," she said. She hadn't made a lot of friends in jail yet, despite being there for more than half a year, so she thought now might be a nice opportunity when there weren't huge crowds around. "I'm Crescent Darnel, but everyone just calls me Cress, or Captain Cress…but you knew that already," she mumbled.

The girl shook Cress's hand with one hand—the metal one—and took the portscreen with the other. "Cinder."

* * *

"Why hello, Master Thorne. You're looking extraordinarily handsome today," said Darla.

"I know," said Thorne cockily. "My beard is really getting thick, isn't it?

"Indeed it is," cooed Darla.

He'd had to manipulate the pitch of his own voice for quite some time to get the programming right on Darla, but Thorne knew it had been worth it. There was nothing like waking up every morning to a sultry compliment from a lady friend. Or, at least, the closest thing to lady friend he'd ever had.

But not for long. The wanted cyborg Linh Cinder would inevitably contact him. And when she did, it would be his chance to finally get off the satellite. Then he would come and go as he pleased and be the master of his own destiny, doing whatever the stars he felt like doing. And, best of all, he would finally get to meet…

 _Women._

 _Real_ women.

Not women on the net. Not women he couldn't interact with. Not women who didn't know how charming and handsome he was.

He was a genius too. And in today's age, who wouldn't fancy themselves the queen's most prized hacker? Furthermore, unlike most guys at sixteen, he'd already had his growth spurt and could easily pass for eighteen or nineteen with the amount of facial hair he had. All the time he'd had to himself on the satellite to do push-ups had only made him even more irresistible.

He was ready.

"Master Thorne, we have a docking request from Mistress Sybil."

Thorne glanced at the fourth invisiscreen, irritation setting in with Darla's words.

Sybil had been visiting more frequently since Linh Cinder had escaped New Beijing Prison. His arm was sprouting a large bruise from the too-frequent drawing of blood, which was one of the worst parts of her visits. He almost fainted every time she came near him with a needle.

It was probably the only thing she could still threaten him with this these days, much to his dismay. Lately, she'd started bringing a stoic blond guard along with her, probably because she'd noticed how much his muscles had developed of late.

Crazy witch was afraid of his strength.

He typed in the commands to allow Sybil access to his satellite and laid down on his rumpled bedsheets, whistling to himself while he waited for her to dock.

She entered his room swiftly, her robe swishing against the floor and the blond guard at her heels. She narrowed her grey eyes at the sight of him on his bed again. "Carswell," she said sharply in that annoying, icy tone of hers.

"When are you finally going to start calling me Thorne?" he asked lazily, draping his leg off the bed in an extra show of nonchalance. He propped up his head under his arms.

"Perhaps when you manage to locate the cyborg, _Carswell_."

Behind her, the guard smirked.

"You have any idea just how many spaceships are flying around this galaxy? Quite a few." Thorne slowly got up off the bed. He strutted to one of his invisiscreens and punched in some passwords, shrunk the game he had been playing, and pulled up a screen with blinking lights. "And how many ships am I cloaking for Her Majesty? A couple thousand? It's not like I can just snap my fingers and find one missing cyborg."

"And yet you have plenty of time to lie around in bed _doing nothing_."

Though the thought of it made him want to throw up, he put on his most charming grin as usual. "Just waiting for you to join me, darling." He threw in a suggestive wink for good measure.

Sybil's nostrils flared. "For the thousandth time, Carswell, nothing is going to happen between me and you. Ever."

 _You bet it's not_. "How many times are you going to break my heart before you finally admit your feelings? I know you're the cougar type."

The guard stifled a laugh behind Sybil, making her turn around and glare at him instead. He straightened, his face returning to the neutral look that Thorne was all too familiar with by now. "Nothing to see here, Jacin. The Shell insists he's suffering from Stockholm Syndrome." She turned her glare back on Thorne. "But he is nothing but an insolent child incapable of doing his job!"

Thorne huffed. "No military in the world has managed to find her and they even have spaceships at their disposition! I'm stuck in here with just my codes. Maybe if you let me out on one of Luna's ships, I could participate in a hunt."

Sybil walked to the screen he had open and shrunk it. Then she painstakingly opened all the other tabs individually, closing out every single tab that had a game, a net show, or a suggestive picture. She did this often. "I saved you from a doomed life on Luna, and this is how you repay me? By mocking the important work of the queen by messing around as usual? You will _not_ continue to embarrass me, Carswell. I know what your skills are."

He gestured to the bed. "And yet you continue to turn me down. Such a _tease_."

She snapped her fingers. "Jacin?"

The guard strode towards the two of them and Thorne knew instantly that the time for jokes was over. He held up his fists, ready to fight, but Jacin pulled out his gun without even engaging. Sybil held up her hand to stop him. "Oh no, Carswell knows I would never end his life. He is too useful." Her lips curled into an evil smile—the one he always wanted to punch off her face. "But I can make his life less pleasant on this satellite if he doesn't perform as is expected of him." Thorne barely had a chance to move before she barked, "Restrain him."

The guard twisted Thorne's arms behind his back, and despite his struggle, the guard was much stronger than he was, just as he had been last week in the same scenario—only then the guard had pinned him to the ground. Jacin probably had the advantage of a few years on him too, along with official combat training, which Thorne would have given anything to have. He was sure the martial arts classes he'd downloaded off the net were nothing compared to boot camp training in a muddy field with two hundred other men, like what he'd seen in war dramas. And if only he knew how to use weapons…

Sybil wouldn't even give him so much as a dull knife to cut his food.

Sybil's evil smile grew and Thorne knew what was coming next. He gritted his teeth and told himself that he would not get squeamish this time. But as Sybil opened up the little black case on the ground with the needles and vials, his knees began getting wobbly. The grip around his arms tightened, and Thorne wished he could slump against the guard but knew that it would only show his weakness even more. Sybil already knew what he thought of getting his blood drawn, though, and she took great pleasure in seeing just how pale his face would get.

Sybil reached for Thorne's left arm—the bruised one—and Jacin rearranged his hold so that he had Thorne pulled back against him by his armpits, his right hand still pinned between them.

"How about we do eight vials this time, Carswell, what do you think?"

She shoved the first needle in without even washing her hands. The sting of it pricking his veins made a bead of sweat run down his neck.

He closed his eyes and thought about Linh Cinder and how he knew _exactly_ where she was. That was his motivation to shut up and let Sybil get on with it, to grin and bear it for just a few more days. The cyborg would be his ticket off this forsaken satellite and he knew just how to get her to come to him.

She just had to initiate the direct communication first.

"You're going to find that cyborg," said Sybil firmly as he felt her begin her fourth vile. "And when you do, I will make our meetings far less painful for you."

"You're…going to have to sweeten the deal," he said, nearly blacking out when he dared to glance down at his arm. "I want…longer showers. Better soap."

Sybil tied the gauze around his arm tightly—too tightly. "Right arm, Jacin. We're only halfway done."

 _Come on, Linh Cinder_ , Thorne said to the universe. _You owe me._

* * *

Luck was finally changing in his favor, because username MECHANIC eventually did request a vidlink with the D-COMM chip. When she'd asked him to accept only twenty minutes earlier, he'd declined and written that he'd needed to take a shower first. Speaking to the cyborg and her companions was of utmost importance, but he wasn't about to let his first impression on three ladies go wasted. From the footage he'd picked up on in Paris, there was also a Lunar special operative aboard the 214 Rampion, Class 11.3 cargo ship. He hoped that none of them had suffered an untimely death at his hands.

His hair mussed back with water and his beard combed thoroughly, Thorne put on his most charming smile and accepted the comm excitedly.

Four faces appeared in front of him, crowded into the screen. Linh Cinder he recognized immediately, then the redhead, Scarlet Benoit, and a wild-looking man whom he could only assume was the special operative.

But Thorne's eyes snagged on the girl in the middle of the camera, who sat in a chair with her hands folded in her lap. Her hair was blonde and cropped to her chin, her skin was sun-kissed, and she had wide blue eyes. It was the girl he'd been waiting to see.

Crescent Darnel.

The internationally-known criminal who captained the Rampion and had escaped New Beijing Prison with Linh Cinder.

In the perception of the public, she was everyone's darling. Whenever she stole something, she made sure to give handouts to children or the needy or both. It was for that reason that many people had protected her identity and location since she'd stolen a spaceship and turned to a life of crime. She had only gotten caught because the police had found one too many notes _apologizing_ to the people she stole from, explaining why her thievery was _for the greater good_.

But he had researched everything there was to know about _Captain Cress,_ as the people called her, and he was convinced that only he knew the _real_ truth about her.

It had taken him awhile to unseal her files, but once he'd done it, he'd found that her criminal record traced all the way back to her childhood. She'd had excuses for everything back then, too.

Claiming that she stole a necklace so she could fund medroids at a clinic.

Arguing that she'd let a tiger escape from his cage because it shouldn't be locked up in a zoo.

Saying she was actually just helping someone in need with math homework when she'd been suspended for fist-fighting.

They were all really lame excuses. But he'd continued researching all of her exploits up until that fateful day that she'd stolen the Rampion from the American Republic, and he just _knew_.

Her public persona of do-gooder thief was just an act. No, Crescent Darnel was really a badass. A hot, twenty-year-old badass woman with a bit of a naughty side. She was just like one of the girls on the net he'd always dreamed of meeting.

Of ravishing.

Not that he wouldn't mind hooking up with the other girls, as they were attractive enough. And it wasn't like Crescent was exactly a _model_ , but her face and her past made her the most intriguing of them all. Girls who were always up for breaking the rules were the sexiest of them all.

Currently, Crescent was leaning forward to get a better look at him. Her blue eyes glowed against the light of camera and he gave her a flippant wink of encouragement. She frowned. "Is that all… _hair_?"

Thorne smiled proudly. "You bet it is. It's been growing non-stop for two years. I bet I can even put your wolf friend to shame."

Scarlet Benoit put her hands on her hips. "Ever heard of shaving?"

"Why shave when you can look like me?"

Linh Cinder cleared her throat. "Um—hello. I'm Cinder. It's nice to see you again. This is Scarlet, Cress, and Wolf."

"Original," said Thorne to Wolf. "I'm Carswell Thorne, but you can call me Thorne."

"I just wanted to thank you again for helping me get to Kai—"

"Yeah, yeah, enough chit chat. When are you coming to get me?"

All four of them stared at him blankly.

"Um," said Cinder again. "We were actually going to tell you that we need your help in proving that Levana's trying to kill Kai."

Thorne held up his hands. "Wait a minute. I helped you save your precious Emperor Kaito from certain death, and now you're going to ask me to help you again without even trying to repay the favor? I saw the footage of you at the ball. I know you have a crush on him, honey."

Cinder grimaced but Crescent's eyes filled with concern. "Repay the favor? Do you…need help?"

"Need help? I'm stuck on a blasted satellite for eight years and she asks if I need help," he said, more to Darla than anyone else.

"You mean you're not on the moon?"

"Stars, no. I'm in orbit over Africa right now. Within Earthen boundaries, I might add."

Cinder exchanged a glance with Scarlet, then Wolf. Crescent looked at him like he was a little puppy.

"I'm afraid we can't risk being caught by Lunars. The last time we talked you said you worked for the queen…"

"But I _hate_ Levana. She's the reason I've been locked up half my life." The doubt on their faces convinced him that he needed to use the one card he'd been holding for a scenario like this. One that Crescent Darnel had probably used many times herself—she just didn't tell anyone.

Blackmail.

He folded his arms across his chest. "You must have been wondering why a big ship like yours hasn't been detected yet." They exchanged more glances. This time the doubt was replaced with worry. He jerked his thumb at his chest. "This is why. I've been deflecting the satellites from your trail since you left New Beijing." He told them their coordinates just in case they didn't believe him.

If he thought they had stared at him before, then he was sorely mistaken. They were _gaping_ at him. Well, except the special operative. He looked annoyed. Still, Thorne couldn't have been prouder.

"Now, while I have your attention," Thorne continued, "let me remind you that this information would fetch a heavy price with almost _any_ bidder. And I've had some bidders."

Now the special operative looked really angry.

It was Crescent who spoke, a placating smile on her face that he wished would turn into the devious smirk he knew was hiding beneath it. "Thorne, surely if you helped Cinder in New Beijing, you wouldn't want to harm her now."

"I don't. But if you all don't decide to come help me, you'll leave me no other choice. The queen knows I can find you, and I'm not going to be able to keep making up excuses as to why I haven't for much longer. I refuse to be shackled to this satellite forever."

"Fine, we'll come get you," said Cinder almost instantaneously.

"Cinder!" said Scarlet.

"He leaves us no choice," said Cinder.

"I'm sure he's just scared," said Crescent.

He was certainly _not_ scared.

"That reminds me," he said, once they had worked out the details of when, where, and how. "I want Crescent to be the one who gets me with the podship."

Crescent stiffened. "First of all, it's just Cress. And second of all, why me?"

"You're the criminal mastermind, aren't you?"

She blushed. It made her cuter.

"I can fly too," said Scarlet. "And shoot."

"It's Cress or no one," he said firmly.

The special operative put a hand on Cress's shoulder, but she shrugged him off. Leaning closer to the screen, she studied him intently. Then, with a quirky smile on her face, she said exactly what he'd been waiting for her to say all along. "It would be my pleasure to rescue you, Carswell Thorne."

"Well then," said Thorne, leaning back in his chair. "I guess this really _is_ my lucky day."


	2. Chapter 2

Cress attached the podship to the satellite docking ramp swiftly and precisely.

She paused at the controls before getting out of her chair to prepare herself for the task at hand. Wolf had been hesitant to let her go on her own and she planned to prove to him that she was not some little delicate thing that a "locked up, horny teenage boy would try to take advantage of."

Or whatever it was that he had said. He needed to stop coddling her. She was the second oldest of the group, the most skilled flyer, and beloved among the people. It was her job to save someone like Carswell Thorne.

This was the sort of thing she had dedicated her life to. Now that she was out of jail, she would make amends for the wrongs she'd committed while escaping by saving this poor boy.

It was hard to think of him as a boy. With the massive beard and the wild hair, he had certainly looked like a man in the video.

Cress decided to bring her gun along with her anyway and stashed it safely in its holster. Then, before exiting, she double-checked that her knife was still safely in her boot. She stepped off the podship at last, feeling a twinge of guilt that she might actually be heeding some of Wolf's warning.

The satellite reminded her of her prison cell, with its small corridor and bare walls. Her heart gave out for Carswell Thorne and his imprisoned life here. It was a hard concept to wrap her mind around, living here all alone. He must have been so scared.

She stepped into his room, which she recognized from the D-COMM connection. He was leaning against the back wall, between a pair of clear screens and an unmade bed. The cocky grin that she remembered from the video was replaced with a look of annoyance instead.

"Oh, it's just you. I thought Linh Cinder would come instead."

Cress cleared her throat and tried to remain upbeat. "It's me, Cress. Just as you requested."

"I changed my mind. But no matter."

Cress didn't like the way he was looking at her—like a fly that needed to be squished. She straightened to her tallest height and gestured to his bed. "Do you have everything you need?"

He pushed himself off the wall and approached her. She held out her hand to greet him, but then…he changed.

He was….

 _She_ was…

Not Carswell Thorne.

Cress fumbled for her gun but her hand froze mid-air. Panicking, she tried to move her other arm for it but most of her body had already stilled to ice as well.

The woman who now stood in front of her sneered. Her raven black hair glinted against the dim blue overhead light of the satellite. "I've heard about you on the Earthen newsfeeds. I would have thought a criminal like you would have quicker reflexes. But now that I see you, I get it. You're just a little girl."

Cress bristled. "I'm twenty years old. No one stands a chance against mind control. Now where is he?"

The woman laughed mirthlessly. "You mean Carswell? The little traitor's finally getting what's coming to him." Her eyes narrowed. "And now, so you will you."

There was a loud clang and a shake of the satellite—someone was docking. Cinder? Scarlet? Wolf? Oh, how she wished she had let Wolf come along with her now. He could probably tear this woman to shreds.

"That'll be Jacin."

"Who's Jacin?"

The woman tossed the rumpled bedsheet at Cress. Her hands were forced to catch it and the smell from it made Cress's nose wrinkle. How long had it been since anyone had changed the sheets? Was he even permitted laundry?

"Jacin is my guard. We're going to leave you and Carswell here and claim the Rampion for our own."

Fear clutched at Cress's heart as her hands began tying the sheet around her wrists into thick knots. The Lunar and her guard were going after her friends! She had to warn them—but how?

Cress was marched against her will to the washroom. Inside, she found Carswell Thorne sitting on the floor. Though he was bound and gagged, he shot the woman an intense glare of hatred as she made Cress crumple down next to him.

She was not gagged, so she tried to give him a reassuring smile. "Are you okay?"

He nodded and turned his venomous look back on the woman, who was smirking down at him.

"I should have thought of gagging you years ago, Carswell. No, perhaps I should have just cut out your tongue. We would have gotten along so much better."

Despite his bound hands, he made a rude gesture with his finger and turned away from her.

The woman laughed at his response. "You should be thanking me, Carswell. I'm finally letting you partake in your biggest dream. With Captain Cress joining you, you can finally be part of someone's _crew_."

"Leave him alone!" said Cress. "How dare you mock his dreams?"

The woman ignored her. She kept Cress frozen in place and stepped over Thorne's legs so that he would see her face again. She knelt down, smiling wickedly. "And about not killing you because you're valuable…turns out I lied."

"Don't worry, Cars— _Thorne_ ," said Cress firmly, trying to hide her panic from the boy as their captor made her way out of the bathroom and shut the door. "We're going to get out of this."

He grunted something back at her, but she couldn't understand from under the gag. She reached down with both hands for her boot and tried to wiggle out of it. It took a minute, but she managed to get her foot out and saw the knife clatter to the floor.

"Yes!" she said triumphantly, leaning forward to pick it up.

Just then, something in the satellite shifted.

* * *

The swooping sensation in Thorne's stomach made him feel queasy. He watched Cress catch on to what was happening as she clutched her knife, the fear spreading in her eyes at the realization that the satellite was no longer in orbit.

She recovered quickly and tried to saw the blanket off of her wrists, but couldn't find enough leverage. He grunted at her and held out his arms, knowing what he needed to do and hoping she would catch on.

She cut him loose and he grabbed the knife from her to undo the rest of his binds. Then he ran out of the room, hearing Cress's cry of protest behind him.

He had to get to his invisiscreens.

He cursed when he saw that Sybil had changed the password. This would take him longer than usual but he didn't _have_ longer than usual to mess around. His hands flew over the keys as the force of the satellite falling threatened to make him shoot up toward the ceiling.

Cress stumbled into the room, but he didn't have time to look at her. He had to override the system.

"We have to get to the podship!" she cried.

"No time!" said Thorne, scowling when his own program gave him an error message. A cabinet swung open and the only dish he owned flew at him, missing his beard by just an inch. "Spades, that was close! Get under the bed and protect yourself!" he said to Cress. "I'm trying to hack into the system and get the parachute to deploy."

But suddenly her hand was on his shoulder instead, making him tense. He relaxed again when he realized that he didn't mind having Cress touch him at all. Now smirking, he kept typing in commands. "You're sweet to care, Cress, but you really need to get away from everything that's about to become a projectile."

As if to prove his point, one of his invisiscreens detached itself from the wall and crashed down, the shards splintering around their feet.

Still, he heard Cress huff behind him. "If you're in danger, then I'm not going to leave you alone."

"Suit yourself," he said. "This should only take a few more moments."

"We're falling so fast," she said. "Please hurry!"

"And…got it! Let's go!" Thorne abandoned his netscreen and ran for the bed, grabbing Cress's hand so she would follow him. They both knelt and began to crawl, but the satellite accelerated and dipped down, causing both of them to fly upward and slam into the bedframe. Thorne banged his head and cursed as Cress let out a sharp cry of pain next to him.

Once he had steadied himself on the bedframe, he saw that Cress wasn't moving. He blinked away his shock and pulled the two of them completely under the bed. Hanging onto the corner of the bed with one hand and holding Cress with the other, he tried to shake her awake.

"Cress? Crescent? Captain Cress? CRESS?"

She didn't stir—she just sort of laid there like a rag doll against his chest. Thorne cursed again and tried to think, but the gravitational force of the satellite falling to Earth was so strong that the only thing he could think about was how his brain was trying to burst out of his skull.

Gritting his teeth, he pulled Cress closer to him and tried to protect her from hitting the bedframe again. If they were going to die, then at least she didn't have to feel the sickening agony of waiting for it to happen.

When he thought he could no longer take the pressure, the parachute finally deployed. Thorne thanked his lucky stars as the satellite slowed its fall and began gliding down to Earth instead.

"Yes! We're alive! We're alive! Up yours, Sybil!"

When the satellite hit the ground he expected a splash, but instead it slammed into something and tumbled, flipping them over and over. He slid and nearly lost his hold on both the bed and Cress, so he changed positions and threw himself on top of her body so he could pin her down and hold onto the bed with both hands. Now she could only hit his body—which was surely softer than the bedframe—and he would not go flying either.

After seconds of tumbling that dragged on as though they were minutes, the satellite finally came to a halt.

Thorne let out another whoop of triumph and shakily released his hold on the bed.

They had _survived_!

His elation waned slightly when he saw that Cress was still unmoving beneath him, her eyes closed. He checked for a pulse quickly.

She had survived too!

"Cress?" he tried again. He moved to lift himself off her to give her some room to breathe but pain on his chin jerked him back down. His beard had tangled itself awkwardly around both his and her neck and shoulders while he'd pinned her beneath him. He was having a hard time getting it to undo itself while she was trapping part of it beneath her.

Perhaps there was something else he could do to wake her up.

Yes, he'd seen it in on the net many times.

He kissed her.

It wasn't a lot of fun kissing an unconscious person. Not _at all_ like the way he'd imagined his first kiss at all. It was supposed to be hot and the girl was supposed to kiss back and beg him for more.

Cress just laid there all comatose, as if laughing at his lack of skill.

He kissed her harder. Suddenly, her eyes popped open. Thorne withdrew, a mixture of relief and pride coming over him.

He had just saved Crescent Darnel's life by kissing her awake.

He was a real life action hero.

Cress spluttered beneath him. "W-what's going on? Who's there?"

Thorne gave her a weird look. "You hit your head that hard? It's me, Carswell Thorne. I guess we didn't really have a proper introduction. As I said in the video, you can just call me Thorne. Anyway, you were unconscious. We've landed safely on Earth."

Cress looked at him blankly. "What time is it?"

He shrugged. "Who knows. The invisiscreens are all broken and it's not like Sybil ever allowed me a portscreen."

"You can tell they're broken?"

He glanced around the room. Even from beneath the bed, he could see pieces of glass shattered everywhere. There was no way any of them had survived intact.

"Yeah, but who cares? This is a time to celebrate! That witch tried to kill us, but we survived. And frankly, it's because of me. Did you see how quickly I worked those codes? We're alive because of _me_!"

He laughed victoriously. Maybe Sybil and stupid Jacin had already been killed by Cinder and the rest of Cress's crew. That would be icing on a very sweet cake. At least, how he imagined cake.

What mattered was that he was free.

And on Earth.

And lying on a girl.

A specific girl.

Crescent Darnel, to be exact.

The one who had been infiltrating his fantasies of late.

She was _real._

And wincing at his weight.

He was crushing her.

He would need to factor body weight into his fantasies in the future.

"Oops," he said, trying to shift off of her. His beard still held them tightly bound together though. Grunting, he rolled them to the side and then flipped them so she was lying on top of him.

 _Stars._

The view from down here was even better.

"Better?" he asked, trying to make his voice smooth and sultry.

She grimaced. "A little. I don't remember being bound together."

"It's my beard. It gets stuck in everything."

Cress frowned. "We should probably do something about that."

He quickly began to pick it free from Cress's body. "Don't try to get up," he said as Cress moved. It wasn't just because he didn't want her to move from this position either. "That's how you hit your head the first time." He pointed above them. "See?"

Cress's lip began to tremble. He quirked an eyebrow. Maybe she was just emotional about having made it out alive. He had read on the net that women tended to get emotional about a lot of things.

"T-thorne?" she said, then bit on her lip to stop it from shaking. "I think…I think I'm blind." She reached behind her head. "And I have this bump…it's tender and my head hurts so much."

He let out a long breath, which made Cress flinch away. Maybe he needed to brush his teeth. He tried to speak as tight-lipped as possible. "Aces, Cress."

"Can you help me get out of here? I feel really wobbly all of a sudden."

"Oh—sure." He reached around her and grabbed the back of her head gently, where she had put her hand before to inspect the bump. He felt it against his palm and cringed, glad that she couldn't see his reaction. With his hand protecting her head from grating against the ceiling, he slithered the two of them out and sat her on the bed.

"Thanks, Thorne."

"No problem."

His eyes searched the room while she sat on the bed and dropped her face in her hands. He found Cress's knife quickly and tapped her knee with the handle. He noticed it had a little heart etched into it. "Your knife."

"Keep it," she said. "You should cut off your beard anyway."

"What? Why?"

"You sort of look like a serial killer."

Thorne scoffed. "I do not. Facial hair is hot. So many guys want to grow it but can't."

She waved her hand in the air dismissively. "I'm not saying facial hair is necessarily a bad thing. But keeping it trimmed and clean is important…at least, I think so."

He studied her. Maybe she was saying that she was more attracted to him with a shorter beard. He hadn't minded the length of it when it had just started to grow, so doing that for her wouldn't bother him so much. If that was what she liked.

"Okay, I'll cut it."

"Wait...maybe it's better if you don't cut it completely. You look older with the beard and maybe that will come to our advantage when we get…wherever it is we're going."

He glanced out of the window. "I think we might be in the desert." It was the coolest desert he'd ever seen too. Soon he would be out there and no longer stuck in this satellite prison.

"The desert?" she moaned unhappily. "Why the _desert_ of all places?" She began muttering to herself furiously. When she stopped, she collapsed back on the bed, her hands covering her face again.

Thorne stared at her with hunger, the knife still in his hand. He let it clatter to the ground and approached the bed, all thoughts of leaving the satellite vanishing. Now that they were out of immediate danger, he knew what should happen. He'd seen it on the net all the time.

The daring rescue and death-defying adventure.

The hero. The girl.

The wild night that followed.

He was definitely the hero in this situation.

"So, do you wanna do it now or later?"

Cress groaned and uncovered her face. "Do what?"

"You know. It."

"It _what_?" she said irritably, sitting up. "Do you see my boot anywhere? I took it off in the bathroom."

Aces, this girl really needed things spelled out for her. Why wasn't it obvious what he was suggesting? No one ever had to come out and directly say things in the dramas he'd seen. And why was she thinking about footwear right now, of all things?

"You know...thank you sex for saving your life."

Cress's eyes widened, then narrowed into slits. "You…you did _not_ just suggest that."

"Why not? Everyone knows that's how it works. I save you, you reward me, then maybe we do it again just because it's that good."

Cress's face turned bright red, but he couldn't tell if it was because she was blushing or enraged. Thorne got the impression that it was a combination of the two.

It was definitely not the reaction he had imagined _or_ hoped for.

She held up her hands protectively, as if to block him, and began shaking her head over and over. "Oh my stars. Wolf was right."

* * *

 **Note:** I could maybe possibly probably squeeze one more chapter out of this fic. Maybe. My favorite food is chocolate. Just sayin'


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